Sexual Addiction (Part One)

By Siavash Tabrizy, Ph.D.

In the last few years, I have been observing the influx of patient referral for sexual addiction regardless of sexual orientation. Most, adult males, who acted-out or acted-in consciously or unconsciously with known or unknown people in their life (though women with sexual addiction issues are being to surface). Some of these individuals have been to numerous in and out patient programs along with 12-Step meetings, but to little or no avail.
At times they display other psychological struggles along with their sexual addiction, such as: dual addiction, depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, and dissociative disorder. For some there are other ethical and legal issues regarding their acting out behavior that has life damaging consequences such as possible arrest, imprisonment or contracting AIDS. Needless to say, sexual addiction has its multitude of complications which impact one emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. Sexual addiction also creates family, legal and medical problems. Consequently, treatment needs to be focused on multiple levels.
Due to the fact that most of us react from our unconscious to the external, and internal events, this makes it difficult to change. Since the onset of any change begins with awareness, and awakening to our state of sleep. Sexual force is one of the most potent and powerful energies in the world. After all, for any creation to occur , two individuals have committed a sexual act. This is the force of life, with it's own intelligence and for some a way of awakening and enlightenment. Therefore, it shouldn't be taken lightly. Like any other force, sexual energy has its own dark side and antithesis "shadow" which one can get absorbed by and be led to sexual addiction and its consequences.
I see sexuality and spirituality as a flip side of the same coin. They are interwoven and interrelated. One has to respect and embrace both energies and hence, one needs to explore and utilize one to help the other. In fact, I believe with sexual addiction one cannot fully recover without integrating the spiritual aspect of recovery. The idea of spirituality is such a broad term and encompasses many meanings, and in this article, I refer to this idea in terms of one's own inner being and consciousness which we have very little of. In the next series of articles we will explore the roots of sexual addiction along with a treatment approach with focuses on multiple levels.

Sexual Addiction (Part Two)

By Siavash Tabrizy, Ph.D.

There has been much confusion regarding the definition of sexual addiction in our field. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. first coined this term in 1983 in his pioneering book "Out of the Shadow". He defined sexual addiction as "The addict substitutes a sick relationship to an event or process for healthy relationship with others. The addict's relationship with a mood-altering experience becomes central to his life." Laaser (1991) defines sexual addiction as repetitive and uncontrollable sexual activity of any kind. As with any addiction, the sexual activity serves as an escape from dealing with certain undesirable feelings. From my perspective, sexual addiction has a number of salient characteristics and cluster of behaviors which portray the tapestry of addiction. To begin with, there is a relationship between the individual and the sex, which is mood altering and has life damaging consequences. This relationship is progressive and can be fatal. There are emotional, spiritual, psychological, and physical implications of the addiction which has a pervasive impact on a person's life.
One of the primary characteristics of addiction is emotional and spiritual bankruptcy. The preoccupation with sex as a way of nourishing oneself and perpetual dissatisfaction with the act of sexual acting out/in afterwards leading to depression, hopelessness and at times to suicidal ideation. Most addicts have poor internal stress regulators; consequently acting out becomes an illusory vehicle for modulation of those stressful feelings. The individual tends to evacuate all those bad feelings and thoughts through their sexual acting out/in impulses out of themselves. Due to the progressive nature of addiction, it creates a cycle of perpetual shame, which brings more shame in reaction to the behaviors. Often the person's acting out/in a is representation of an original pain conflict, and it becomes a biopsy of their personal conflict or the original trauma. The individual is attempting to metabolize an original trauma or conflict through the acting out/in. The sexual fantasies also can represent a synopsis of their personality.
Over the past few years I have observed sexual familial secrets that have been passed on from previous generations without direct verbal communication, a process in which I refer to as unconscious to unconscious communication. At times this transgenerational process becomes an obstacle to further change.

Are You Eating Your Anger or is Your Anger Eating You?

by Siavash Tabrizy, Ph.D.

Understanding the nature and treatment of anger/rage has long been an interest of mine. Due to my own childhood experiences as well as my struggles in adulthood, I have researched, studied and conducted many anger/rage workshops in the last fifteen years. As a result I can easily testify about the difficulties of dealing with this issue. Let me begin with this story: Once upon a time a young couple climbed a high mountain in search of a wise man in order to receive some answers to life's difficult questions. After they found him, they began their questions. They asked him about the meaning of life, secrets of the universe and happiness. The wise old man, openly offered them great answers. Finally they asked the most difficult questions of all:" Dear wise man, we are angry very often, which has caused us much heartache and hurt. Please guide us to resolution". The wise old man got up, threw his pen, cursed out loud, began pacing the room and yelled "If I had an answer to this question, I would be down there with the others and not sitting here all alone!"We all have experienced or been exposed to situations where anger/rage has been projected by or on us. It can be scary. The by-product of rage is physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual damage to both the projector as well as the receiver. I separate anger and rage in the following ways:Rage is about the occurrence of the events in the past, is accumulated anger, out of control (screaming, yelling, throwing?) with a great deal of projection and accusation of the other. Anger on the other hand is in the present, almost never out of control with personal ownership of presenter. Nevertheless anger is a negative emotion and can be destructive and needs to be dealt with. Anger is energy and since energy does not die, it needs to be utilized in a proper fashion. Science is now able to find a correlation between unexpressed/over-expressed anger and many physical ailments, ie. Cancer, migraine, ulcer, upper G.I.
Consequently, one cannot go about ignoring their anger or wasting this energy. Since none of us received an owner's manual about how to deal with life's difficulties, we deal with life's calamities in accord with our own past experiences or unconscious and conscious training from our primary childhood caregivers by repeating what they did to us or emulating the exact opposite of their behavior. Both responses are non productive because the individual is not free to act as him/herself, consequently taking away the opportunity to be him/herself. The chart below describes the physiology of anger.
The process of anger is both psychological and spiritual. Anger is a natural part of our personality but not of our consciousness. Our personality is an acquired part of us, which is a bundle of memories, habits, behaviors and thoughts, which is reactive rather than responsive. It is the nature of the beast. Since our personality does not have a way to metabolize anger internally, one must begin to acquire consciousness, then we can activate this digestive system that can transform this ancient phenomenon (Anger) into positive energy.
T.L.C.'s four levels of rage/anger workshop, utilizes Eastern and Western as well as modern and ancient psychology, in order to accomplish this important task.
Automatic Nervous System
Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS)
Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS)
Activates Flight or Fight Response
Deactivates Flight or Fight Response
Adrenaline Release
Adrenaline Broken Down
Heart Rate & Blood Pressure Increases
Gradual Return to State of Calm
The Automatic Nervous System has two components: the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) and the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS). One can observe in this chart how these two systems work together to either activate or deactivate the fight or flight system. Understanding the physiology of anger has important implications for dealing with anger in that when you make yourself angry you activate the SNS. Which brings up those symptoms of increased heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tension, sweating and rapid shallow breathing.
The release of other chemicals will down the adrenaline in your system and the PNS will intervene to help calm down. There are things that you can do to facilitate the process before PNS kicks in. I always had a hard time with the idea of anger management. It sounded like compartmentalizing the anger and not dealing with the roots. I utilize anger transmutation process, which helps the individual to transform this negative emotion into a highly energizing process that can be used to increase your level of energy.

The Art of Listening in a Noisy Society

by Siavash Tabrizy, Ph.D.

The art of listening is the most fundamental and primordial aspect of our humanity, which we have forgotten the most. When one begins to observe the universe, one begins to notice the harmonious state of interrelationship between all beings in a state of self-observation, which directly stems out of the Universe in the state of listening. It feels as if in this state of silence the whole universe is listening to its creator in humility. The closer we reach to our beloved earth the noisier the atmosphere becomes. Western cosmology begins with " And God said, let there be light"(Genesis 1:3). God created light with sound: his own voice indicating that sound is the primordial matter of the universe. Sudden loss of hearing is considered to be far more traumatic and more difficult to accommodate than sudden loss of sight. Sound demands attention. It may frighten or soothe us. It is ever present. Whether one is awake or asleep, The unconscious mind is constantly receiving aural vibrations. (Copper, Parabola 1994). God has given us two ears to listen and one mouth to speak which I assume we need to listen twice as much. In the last 15 years of my practice, the greatest heartache that my clients bring to me is the sense of not being heard by others. And most clients, who I have helped, wasn't because of some Magical techniques that I used but rather, I was able to hear them and understand them. The yearning to be listened to is longing to bridge our separation. Unfortunately we are most insensitive to those we love, and it is especially hurtful not to be listened to in those relationships that you count on for understanding (Nichols,95). The essence of good listening is empathy and empathy begins with openness, which can be achieved only by suspending our preoccupation with ourselves, as Wilfred Bion states: "To listen well we must set aside memory, desire and judgment". Our lives are co-authored in dialogue, an exchange of a two way process. People who listen to each other will begin to discover that there is no need to change one another but rather taking each other seriously, witnessing each other's pain and joy. It is a state of discovery. And in its highest level it is a meditative state of being with the other. As you speak to God through prayer, you listen through this meditative place.
I have noticed through my personal and clinical experiences, there are four levels of listening in any Relationship: pity, sympathy, empathy, and compassion. The rawest form is pity, which is a judgmental way of acknowledging others i.e. "Oh, poor thing" which translates into "you poor helpless thing". Sympathy basically is a polite expression of pity. In the state of empathy the listener is able to go beyond the words that are being expressed and find the emotional and Meta level of communication. Compassion is the highest level of listening where the listener goes beyond reflecting back the emotional level but rather is able to experience it as well; which heals the person.

Accountability Not Blame

by Siavash Tabrizy, Ph.D.

In this uncertain world, where everything is in constant change nothing inherently has its own identity; one may want to closely examine the attachment to their own thoughts, ideas, beliefs and prejudice. Nothing in this illusory world has its won identity, visible or invisible; human beings, animals, plants and family.

The entire universe is in a constant cycle of change; of coming alive and dying moment by moment. We can detect tissue dying in a fetus s early as 5 weeks old through a process called Apoptosis. This process begins at the beginning of the 6th week due to death of cells at the web between the fingers, which provides a space for the appearances of our present fingers. This cycle of life cycle of life is in a constant death and resurrection. Therefore what comes eventually goes, what gathers will disperse. Our attachment to the illusory world even with the awareness of death and resurrection brings much suffering to humanity. Buddha was specifically in search of the source of suffering in this world and his 4 Nobel Truths shed light on this issue and its remedy. It is also not a surprise that in the end we all will die but we don not know when and how. Therefore in this short existence of ours, which is a “blink of any eye” in comparison to the cosmic calendar, we would rather support our egotistical existence than our own inner being. We would rather support our pride, anger, fear, and envy, than our love, sincerity and compassion. Our hearts are full of negative emotions that have not left any room for love. We have divided our hearts into sections of loving, hating or being indifferent to others around us. We have separated ourselves from others due to our own prejudices of race, color, ethnicity, mental and physical challenges and different shapes of bodies. We have separated ourselves from ourselves, from our inner being and created this deep loneliness and alienation, which has brought anxiety, fear wars and hatred to all of humanity. The 12th century poet Rumi says, “Father your love descends upon me and love of my heart ascends to you and what separates us is my ego”. We are the creators of our own separations. There is a Sufi saying that God says there are 70 thousand veils between you and I but there is no veil between me and you. We have lost touch with our own humanity; we point our fingers at others, accusing, attacking, hating and separating ourselves from others. We hate those pedophiles, angry people, rapists, lustful people and many others with many different labels.
We forget that these individuals were once infants and children with dreams and aspirations of being a better human being. Can you imagine at the time of their birth, when their parents held them in their arms with enthusiasm? Did they say to themselves, “I am going to raise my child to be a drug addict or pedophile? I don’t think so. Everyone wants to raise a better person and give them more than what they received.
It is time for all of us to examine ourselves before pointing fingers. Examine our ego, where in its deep unconscious may exist murders thieves and many other aspects that we hate about others and the world. All things come alive and die. Fortunate are those who die within themselves moment by moment. Lucky are those who address their own evil and ego judging others. We all commit crimes to different degrees in our lives, crimes against our own inner being and our own divine mother who loves us unconditionally. Buddha recommends looking upon all people as one’s own children. Loving men and women as if we were their mothers is a high ideal. We are all suffering; let us have compassion for all suffering beings including the pedophile priest who are under much accusation and pain. Both the abused and the abuser are suffering. Please keep in mind, and in your heart, that we label the thief, the murderer and the pedophile as such until we have one in our own family. Can you imagine the pain of that! When we have compassion for all sentient beings regardless of whom they or what they have done, it is a win/win situation. I emphatically state that everyone is accountable for their actions but le us not inflame the situation by blaming and attacking.
Buddha’s second of the 4 divine abodes of highest emotion is compassion, whose far away enemy is cruelty and whose near enemy is pity. It is important that we begin to develop compassion for others and ourselves and reflect on the Gospel of Master Jesus. When people brought the accused prostitute to be stoned to death, he stated to the accusers, “let the one who has not sinned cast the first stone.”
Love and peace.