The Art of Listening in a Noisy Society

by Siavash Tabrizy, Ph.D.

The art of listening is the most fundamental and primordial aspect of our humanity, which we have forgotten the most. When one begins to observe the universe, one begins to notice the harmonious state of interrelationship between all beings in a state of self-observation, which directly stems out of the Universe in the state of listening. It feels as if in this state of silence the whole universe is listening to its creator in humility. The closer we reach to our beloved earth the noisier the atmosphere becomes. Western cosmology begins with " And God said, let there be light"(Genesis 1:3). God created light with sound: his own voice indicating that sound is the primordial matter of the universe. Sudden loss of hearing is considered to be far more traumatic and more difficult to accommodate than sudden loss of sight. Sound demands attention. It may frighten or soothe us. It is ever present. Whether one is awake or asleep, The unconscious mind is constantly receiving aural vibrations. (Copper, Parabola 1994). God has given us two ears to listen and one mouth to speak which I assume we need to listen twice as much. In the last 15 years of my practice, the greatest heartache that my clients bring to me is the sense of not being heard by others. And most clients, who I have helped, wasn't because of some Magical techniques that I used but rather, I was able to hear them and understand them. The yearning to be listened to is longing to bridge our separation. Unfortunately we are most insensitive to those we love, and it is especially hurtful not to be listened to in those relationships that you count on for understanding (Nichols,95). The essence of good listening is empathy and empathy begins with openness, which can be achieved only by suspending our preoccupation with ourselves, as Wilfred Bion states: "To listen well we must set aside memory, desire and judgment". Our lives are co-authored in dialogue, an exchange of a two way process. People who listen to each other will begin to discover that there is no need to change one another but rather taking each other seriously, witnessing each other's pain and joy. It is a state of discovery. And in its highest level it is a meditative state of being with the other. As you speak to God through prayer, you listen through this meditative place.
I have noticed through my personal and clinical experiences, there are four levels of listening in any Relationship: pity, sympathy, empathy, and compassion. The rawest form is pity, which is a judgmental way of acknowledging others i.e. "Oh, poor thing" which translates into "you poor helpless thing". Sympathy basically is a polite expression of pity. In the state of empathy the listener is able to go beyond the words that are being expressed and find the emotional and Meta level of communication. Compassion is the highest level of listening where the listener goes beyond reflecting back the emotional level but rather is able to experience it as well; which heals the person.